"But I believe
Sometimes there's a need for separation
And I can see
I need to find another way
To keep me lighted up"

this is from a song by gabriel mann. i just really relate to it right now. not just this peice... the whole song. i feel like i'm sinking in blackness and i need some light to pull me out.

and i used to have light. and i turned her off.... no i unplugged her. no, excuse me-- i'm about to get a little self-hating and violent-- I THREW YOU OUT A FUCKING WINDOW!!!

and i expected you'd just get up and walk around and pound on the door until i let you in... because that's what you promised you'd do.

but i guess i'm just a really good actress... and made me and you and everyone else think this was what i needed. i didn't need anything except pain. can't cut. can't burn. can't wreck my fucking car into the side of a building and can't just numb the pain with chemicals.

so what hurt worse than all those things and i can still have, can still hurt and kill and ruin me? when i gave you up. the first time. oh i'm sorry excuse me... did i say gave you up because what i meant was THROW YOU AWAY on the ground and then piss on all the peices like we meant nothing.

its funny how i say bisexual with such a grimace on my face. i hate that word. it implies that i'm promiscuous... that i just want attention... that i'm just unsure... and all those things bother me.

but. they're kind of true.

what bothers me more about the word... is that it implies that any other woman could ever make it into my bed.

i have no self-control when it comes to anyone with a penis, god fucking knows... but i am getting better... trying for some self-respect, trying not to self-destruct.

but you were sacred. other women may satisfy me in some ways... visually appealing, emotionally and mentally stimulating.... but the way we made love is so sacred to me... and any oppurtunity i'm presented with to diminish the sancitity of that experience... i get nauseous and scared and completely disinterested.

even with guys... no one gets to touch me and kiss me the way you did. its different with them. its not about pleasure. its about... sacrifice and pain and guilt and...dissatisfaction.... and i know that doesn't change things and that doesn't make it easier to swallow for you... or for me, believe it or not.

and i think all of this... if you even read it... is probably just going to piss you off. but its allowed to. and i won't mind if it does. because i've been trying so hard to so carefully edit my outpour of emotions on the internet.. because you might see it. and i wanted to respect your wishes that i not contact you... because i know how bad it hurts when my dad contacts me. and i know how important it is to you to not be a part of my life. i have tried to stay cut out.

and i have. and this is not contacting you... this is me. being me. on one of the few outlets i have to really just be honest.

my parents won't see it so i don't have to pretend like i don't want to jump off the roof.

my sisters won't see it so i can say that i love you and i miss your skin and your lips and your eyelashes and finding one and not really knowing if it was mine or yours because we spent all day and night tangled in each other's limbs and my hair and your sheets.

and most of my friends won't see it so i can say that they aren't enough to make me "lighted up" so to speak and that nothing they can say can convince me that i did the "RIGHT THING" because i know i didn't do the "right thing"

i did the only thing.

or so i thought. i did the thing that i just thought i had to do. i felt like i was backed in this corner and i was gonna start throwing punches and you were closest and i couldn't just let you stand there and take it so i had to send you away.... i just didn't expect that you'd exit the building.

i thought i was saving you. and you may think that's a bold-faced lie. and you may think i'll never do anything that is supremely unselfish. but it was.

i thought i was protecting you.... because i knew the only way to really, truly bleed and hurt and punish myself was to be without you. i knew i'd stop at nothing to make you give up on me... because you promised you wouldn't.

and you breaking a promise to me is the only thing that could hurt me enough.

so i convinced you that its what i wanted.

i was cold. and sure. it was all a calculated effort to push you away from my incessant need to ruin and break the things i love.

i guess it worked.
i wish so badly that it hadn't. every second, everyday.

i wish you'd fought me. i wish you'd pushed me back. i wish i'd not been so stubborn. i wish i'd asked you to go to therapy with me. i wish i'd been open to any other option. i wish i could have done what i promised i'd do when i left mizzou... and really gotten better. i broke that promise. but you broke a really big one too.

i would have found another way if i'd known you would have just shut everything down. i lost everything with you. i thought i was just losing a lover.... which was shitty enough. but i lost it all. i lost my lover, my best friend, my muse, my editor, my collaborater, my concert partner, my book reviewer, my model for hair-cut experimentation... haha... everything.

everything i planned. i changed so much! i changed all the things i wanted and needed and planned and hoped for. for you! no, for us. i wanted five kids... you wanted none... we wanted two or three... i don't know if we ever really settled that... haha. you wanted to live alone in san fransisco, i wanted to live in a small town near my parents. we would live in kansas city. you wanted to just stay home and paint and work a shit job and be poor. i wanted to just stay home and write and marry a rich man and be rich and able to just stay home with my kids. haha. we decided we could be teachers. not rich or poor but somewhere in the middle. not able to stay home with kids and write and paint all the time... but summers and breaks.

you know what plans mean to me. i had our whole wedding planned. down to how i really would have let you wear a tux if you wanted.... i never wanted to change you. i loved everything about you. even the way you were so hard to get at... because it made me see how much i meant when i was the one you opened up for.

i don't think i ever told you that. i really really should have.

i think the hardest part of all of this is that you're so right. i am a toxic person and i would probably drag you down... and if you think its better to be seperated from me on all levels... that's your choice to make. and i will try with every i have to respect it.

but. that doesn't mean i don't really believe we could have fixed it. if you'd given it a better fight... and i had given a little better thought to what i was really doing when i was doing it and what i'd done right after i did it.

i didn't mourn us until i had to. i shut it out. i pretended like it didn't exist. i tried to just be the person i was right before i met you.... but i don't like that person... i am not that person... and i don't want to be.

i like the ways you changed me. i want that life. i want you.

i miss you. i miss you so bad. there's not a food i can eat, a movie i can watch, a place i can go, a peice of my clothing that i can wear.... without thinking of you. in fact... its not like i've done any serious travelling lately but i've not yet been anywhere i could breathe so well as with you.

but i know that i can't have that life i wanted anymore and i can't have you, and i guess i'm just going to have to actually use that inhaler i was perscribed.

but you are right. we should not be friends. in fact... if i can't have you... i'm not sure if i could handle it. if i ever saw you with anyone else i'd probably kill them and then you'd just hate me more... so what's the point, right?

i say that but i hope you know i don't mean it. i understand your need for seperation. but you need to know that i will drop us and myself and anything else if you ever need... if you are ever in need. of anything.

but i really do hope you are happy. and i'm so proud of you... for everything.

i think i'm going to have to end up deleting you from everything. from myspace, from facebook, from here, from my phone. because its too damn tempting to contact you and tell you i love you and i miss you and i'm so mad that you didn't fight and i hate myself for all the things i said and more for all the things i never said... and all those cliche and terrible and true things.

and in case i do... i hope you've read this. because i just... wanted to explain before i disappeared that it isn't because i'm not still here waiting if you need me. and everyone else tells me its not true, but i'm pretty sure i'll always be here waiting.